you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
