lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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