He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
