This house was built for laser tag.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
