The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
