I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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