Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
