Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
