please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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