Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
