He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
