Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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