I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
