Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
