The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
