instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
