I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
