community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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