Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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