dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
