Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
