I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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