Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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