Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
