I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize