I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
