Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
