Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
