btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
