I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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