Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
