i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
