I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
