i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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