sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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