A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
