my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
