Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
