My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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