You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
