If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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