I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
