I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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