I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
