I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
