someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
