You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
