so that wasnt chicken after all
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize