His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
