It's Friday. Sex?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
