This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
