I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
