Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
