how can u be prego again
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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