I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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