so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
