hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
